FINDING FASTLY - an embellished true story

Jess wanted to convert me into a snail slayer..she hailed down all the waiters at the Spanish tapas bar asking them to describe what a snail tastes like and why it shouldn’t be missed ..one guy started telling me …’well in France…’ and I was like oh the French …bring it on…I have tried grasshoppers before - this will be the universe in balance in my mouth!

So 8 snails arrive in some white goopy sauce …gosh it was crazy …I downed one rather quickly but then I got attached to the second one and wanted to savor it…So while “Fastly” was slowly sliding down my throat Jess made me laugh and I laughed so hard it ended up resulting in a projectile emission of Fastly right into Jess’s crotch. Well of course since I had only two snails rationed to me out of the 8 and one had escaped whilst sliding down my not so deep throat ..I wanted it back!! I demanded with vehemence “Jess I want my snail back!” stooping over for snail searching …

So all this while I was laughing and stopping to stake my claim with dead schizophrenic seriousness… thinking where is Fastly? Is he okay? Is he totally lost? Is he crawling in the goop of her wet crotch and wondering why it tastes less garlicky? Or is he missing the warmth of my mouth and sangria sweetness??? You know like the male preying mantis that submits itself to being eaten alive after sex ..but maybe Fastly was a picaro moving deftly between mouth of one to the heavenly tunnel of soma of another ...that slimy bastard!

Noticing the raucous the four waiters rush in asking ‘ladies have you lost something ..need any help?’

Well of course you idiots, didn’t you see Fastly blast off from my mouth as one of Elon’s Falcon 9s into her nether regions …why is this bar so dark? We need more light …Fastly babe where art thou?!!

(I was ending the story here in a clithanger/cliffhanger but then another loon in our gf tribe inspires the following end, as a necessary concomitant):

“Oh stress not ladies…we will help scouring around her crotch to find Fastly” the concerned hot waiters chime in united altruistic cohesion.

A synchronized groping continues as a single gestalt of human repressions, the bar patrons watch quizzically - no one is complaining -Jess is heard grunting time to time as I drown my sorrows in more sangria and move on to eating clams and muscles …they have no legs…

“Any luck boys? Maybe Fastly jumped back onto my lap..you might want to check here too…”

Dratz this FOMO …

(Post script: rumor has it Fastly was last heard taunting and mocking his other 5 brethren while soaking in the hot springs of Jess’s nectar - you bloody slow pokes - as usual coming down the wrong way … losers”)

Photo Credit: Random snail web error 420

Midlife Hacker - 7 Hacks to post break-up recovery

2020 - 2021 birthed many types of Gurus, from social media influencers to relationship gurus to at home OnlyFans pornstars. Broken marriages, broken hearts - for most pandemic hostages watching countless relationship videos flooding social media became much needed coping codependency.

So when do you know it’s time to end it and invest in a man who invests in you? 

It’s not you; it’s him and his Ex! 

Dump the Chump, he won’t Change etcetera 

Thank god we now have these 7 mid-life hacks to healing post breakup: 

1. Stagnating on couch: This is a widely practiced art with or without breakups. The couch serves as a step up from fetalizing yourself in bed all day. It is usually paired with brain damaging snacks and alcohol. The one good thing about a breakup is that there is no curfew or acceptable beginning time of drinking. It’s acceptable that if you are broken up, you might start your breakfast with wine, no judgement. They understand. 

2. Watching videos of people working out: This is a fairly productive act. Spending time watching people die doing burpies and mountain climbers while smiling forcefully and yelling “burn so good” is such a positive reminder of masochism. The release of endorphins for the observer is equally satisfying and it takes away the burden of active aggression. 

3. Consuming scary food additives: High Fructose corn syrup commonly substituted for sugar makes you feel good by upping your serotonin. What’s wrong with that? Support all endocrine stripping food additives in ice-cream, cake, bonbons, twinkies, Gobstoppers, Donuts and for the sake of contrasting flavor, Chips and fries! Potato is your friend, even as a noun. When you are not getting laid, get LAYS. 

4. Saying NO to self-care and self-grooming: Remember the good old days of shaving in a jiffy, waxing your privates with cusses, dry brushing your in-growns and coughing up moolah to have someone rip off your pubes…all for some mediocre love making …well no more! Rebellion is freedom and freedom rebellion. Stop bathing, washing, combing, shaving, covering your grays and putting on makeup of any sort. This is the real raw you – embrace your animal. 

5. Hiring a slow therapist: During such hard times, it is imperative to have a right professional outlet for your long existing mental illness. Seek out a therapist who does not have strong linguistic skills, is old, perhaps even stutters as he tries to say something gibberish over a slower zoom session. Get him excited and awakened with words that sound sexual such as pussyfooting, cock and bull, vagile, mastication, manhole, titillating …this should make the session so much more rewarding than you watching him “dongle” over your pathetic, sniffling rants. 

6. Joining weird Meetups or creating your own: Have you noticed over the years that there is a Meetup support group for EVERYTHING? From Find your own Alien, Adopt a criminal, Wine and yoga with AAA, the Science of Lotto self-actualization, Positive Parenting for non-believers, Filters and Fillers for Barbies and Barbers, Stare at the ceiling Meditation, Menopause for men over 40, PMS men – myth buster, Love me Tinder- Love me true, Snoozers - Losers - Boozers ET AL. Come up with your own unique coping support tribe…you are not alone. 

7. And finally, fornicating compulsively to empower your inner diva: Since you are already fucked over, take your power back and fuck yourself. It’s especially fulfilling when you are screaming in ecstasy calling your own name out loud or in Zoom if you have been cursed by Jeffrey Toobin. Payback! Yes, yes, yes.