The Politics of #Speed #Dating, a woman's perspective

“April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain…”

The famous beginning lines of Eliot’s “The Waste Land”, but I would like to para-phrase that a tad bit, replace “April” with “February”, specifically for those of you spontaneously taking out your calendars to red-flag cruel months in your life’s almanac – FEBRUARY 14^TH…YES, FLAG IT.

Pursuing love in your pre-mid-life is no easy feat. It’s no flippant feat either for this post revolves around my virgin blind-dating experience, perfectly timed around Valentine’s Day (some celebrate Lamentines Day, wonder why).

I was Lucky Number 8. Was this my fortuitous evening, I thought, as I walked smugly into a dingy Comedy Club/Greek Restaurant with a “two entrée” minimum order requirement over and above the flat entrance fee, for what I could deem as my first and last rather expensive, Speed-Dating experience. 
So just the other day I was bathroom reading ‘Evolution Psychology’ – a graphic expression (doodles?) which btw, I highly recommend, and I started wondering how would speed-dating fit into this evolution? Is it because society is too impetuous now or is time running out for man? 

So I had 6 minutes, 6 whole minutes to get to the bottom of this: Are we a couple yet, love at first bite??? It's Valentine's Day for God’s sake! And so there I was, covered in “I don’t want to send any signals of sexual repression” clothing, fleece tights and a giant ring in the middle finger that screamed “she might hit you with that, if you hit on her with that” and my flamboyant open-mindedness coupled that unbridled sense of humor.

Hors D’oeuvres and the Cheese Plate

Don’t ask me why, but the guy I was paired with as my appetizer, was Maz, probably a short for Mabrouk Mujjauddin Mushidabaadi, a bald man from Bangladesh. Was it a mere coincidence that they had sent me Bangladeshi for my first bite, me coming from West Bengal? Poor guy started blabbering even before the timer had started, so I rightfully said “STOP. You can’t talk. Disqualified.”
Intimidation. He had no hair to pull out, I figured. His eyes bulged out of their sockets and settled back. Tick-tock. Ding. 6 minutes and counting.

I could hear some throat clearing and then I heard crickets. Suddenly he changed strategy, compliments started gate crashing..
”I see you have many good qualities”
“Like what”
“Your eyes for example, are very beautiful”
“My eyes are not qualities, they are genetics”
“I mean your English.. has no accent at all?”
“What kind of accent…American?”
“No, no I mean Bangla…you are from Kolkata..”
“Oh, I can put on various accents especially when I am in PMS mode ..wanna hear it..including American?”
Ding.

Next was Danny the Dwarf, no descendant of Thorin Oakenshield. He was figuratively a younger version of (for lack of a better parallel) Pres. Trump, with a trichologist approved permanent comb-over, in fact now that I think about it, he had that same kinda rodent toothed mouth. Every time he said something, I felt a nubile carrot (which I wasn’t dangling), die rapidly. He took copious notes (wth was he writing down, I want to copyright protect that). At one time I mentioned the Vagina Monologues and suddenly he got taller. Or was it his imaginary manhood giving him an extra 3 inches, I can’t tell. After that, the bell rang several times but he refused to move. Sigh. I have that effect. 

The Main Course(s)

Glen, a white dude with plenty of hair and a head bigger than Rihanna’s wouldn’t stop talking about himself. He went on and on about random irrelevant stuff. I tried to break his speed induced roll by telling him that his first name matched an alcoholic beverage's first name. His response. “I don’t BELIEVE you”. Glen-Levitt, Glen-Moray, Glen-Fiddich?? One flew over the Cuckoos nest..alas...he was lost in his own content.

Captain Mike was an erect navy guy, talking 40 looking 80. (I take back 'erect' at that age.) He was the only Giraffe in the room (I would like to clarify, there were no Elephants in the room, especially given my reference to Evolutionary Psychology previously). He spoke elaborately about the cleanliness in Germany. Later on, it turned out, (the chics compared notes), he had given the girls in the room a variable date of his upcoming retirement from the Navy…anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks to 6 months to 5 years…hmm. Consistency Watson. I prefer locals.

Jimmy staggered on to my chair with his glass of red and sat down with a thud that measured up a 3.5 on the Richter scale. His pupils were so dilated that he could potentially see me as a fat woman singing. He saw my car keys and immediately pulled out his (keys).

“There! I am better than you”
“Er, sure, your bunch proves you are a hot mess..too many complications, nothing unlocks those trap doors eh?”
“So have you watched Captain $$&#” he cut me off, trying to make fun of my Indian name. His words felt like uninvited white entrants in an Indian spelling bee contest.
“No. Some cartoon, child?”
“No a TV series …60’s or something, not that I am that old..”
“Not at all. You seem immature enough. So what do you do?”
“I am a patent attorney. The chic before you thought I was a PET ATTORNEY”
“Ooh nice to meet you Dr Doo-legal!! “
After that, what followed was slurr, slurr and breakfast, I don’t know why he talked about breakfast so much at dinner time. I guess pot makes people hungry or perhaps it's a pet/pot attorney thing, they don't pay the attorney's fees, you have them for breakfast! Capisce?

Soon after, the cute event coordinator walked up to me and asked “How many have you talked to yet, maybe time for an intermission?”
I sputtered out loud but boldly confident… "5, feels like 10”. The girls in the room started cackling. They knew exactly what I was saying.
During the break I tried to influence the cute event guy asking him politely if he could rig the timer to 4 minutes instead of the unending 6, to save humanity. He refused. I pointed at my ring. I even flirted, he wouldn’t budge.
So I got ready to brace the next set of wannabe matches. I was reluctantly hungry for my fill, the finale. 

Desserts

I read Jose’s name as Jesse. Not because I am blind as a bat but because the room was dimly lit to keep people from nitpicking at the other person's physical flaws (or reading abilities). He yanked my chain on how I could miss “Jose”…it's California, we are everywhere!' Then we talked about Benny Hinn, the Jerry Springer of evangelism and Benny Hanna (I guess pot makes people hungry Number 2), followed by Adele which prompted me to tell him that our convo was over before time and he could move to the next table. No one likes Adele on my time. Sorry. Boundaries.

Raul was sorta decent looking with thinning gelled hair (not sure what came before, the gel induced thinning or the thinning induced gel but I can’t solve all of life’s mysteries alone) and a grey suit to hide his lack of biceps or triceps or any sorta ceps. I offered him a welcome arm wrestling match and he declined promptly. Then as soon as he found out my profession his eyes lit up and he started asking me questions and I screamed “SECURITY”. The entire room became silent for a second, but then the event guy pacified the fellow occupiers stating “It’s that mad woman, ignore her”. He was right. I pointed my ring at him again. Meanwhile Raul forced his business card on me, asking me how much I charged. While we didn't delve into the specifics of my charge rate, which is higher after hours, I pocketed his card as my reference for post traumatic writing.

Finally, Chet, a highly educated creature the creator didn’t much spend time to work upon, never been married, no kids, in a checkered jacket, sat in front of me smiling like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

“Semiconductors”. He said, smiling, revealing his sharp unfinished, colored teeth and checking in, promptly..

“You know what that means right?” Oh ya! I do. For example, the event guy right now is semi-conducting his business, because your time is up, my precious.

Concluding Coffee

So between potential serial killers and potential vagina chewers with sharp teeth, one thing was clear. These men were looking to fill their voids and had no clue as to how to broach the issue. Most of them were hard wired engineers and had done the math, time and numbers. Speed Dating provided the most probable outcome in finding love. 6 minutes. But does magic happen in any of those hard constructs?

As for me, I am a writer. I can romanticize and glorify and ridicule anything. But I have decided one thing for sure, my days of kissing toads is over. I am at my 'getting to middle age' best and I will not compromise. And perhaps die alone. 

"ESTRAGON: I can't go on like this. 

VLADIMIR: That's what you think.

ESTRAGON: If we parted? That might be better for us

VLADIMIR: We'll hang ourselves tomorrow. (Pause.) Unless Godot comes.

ESTRAGON: And if he comes?

VLADIMIR: We'll be saved.

Vladimir takes off his hat (Lucky's), peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, knocks on the crown, puts it on again.

ESTRAGON: Well? Shall we go? 

VLADIMIR: Pull on your trousers. 

ESTRAGON: What?  

VLADIMIR: Pull on your trousers.

ESTRAGON: You want me to pull off my trousers?

VLADIMIR: Pull ON your trousers.          

ESTRAGON: (realising his trousers are down). True. 

He pulls up his trousers.

VLADIMIR: Well? Shall we go?

ESTRAGON: Yes, let's go.” They do not move.

Excerpts, last few lines from Beckett’s masterpiece “Waiting for Godot” and that infamous RING 

The acoustics of #dating and goating

As if my share of human suffering has not been enough, call it some glorified form of sadomasochism, I decided to indulge in experiencing the tangible as the Gods of ‘Plenty of (Franken) Fish’- an online dating site for those of you living in a shoebox, wished for me to do. After having exchanged plenty of texts involving topics not just skimming the surface of facts and data and intelligence, (it was practically a beginners GATE test for dating nuptials) we seemed to have covered formidable ground…from bigotry to genetic differences, if any, between sexes, to rebirth and life after death, if any, to music tastes, if any…I must say, the man claiming to be a ‘Doctor’ from Netherlands and working for the Navy, engaged me. Now let’s not get excited, engagement doesn’t imply agreement! I watched his views appear before me and fade with jaundiced hues, leading me to consider how much of it was my own projection and how much of it his perspective on life, if any. I sat on the fence contemplating between coloring my hair blue, napping and shopping at a thrift store or actually venturing out to meet Dr K from neither-land (I had already deemed him Dr Death by now…no premature judgement of course).

We decided on a neutral place, an Indian restaurant. (Of course by now I had already given him my address, my bra size, my social security number and my date of birth..no worries, I take it slow, I build it up). Aesthetically I decided to keep it simple, I didn’t bother looking sexy. I only do that when I know I have to be in an elevator for 60 secs and no one has the courage to say anything but stare as I sway my hips out prudishly. You see, I am a stupid woman who makes only wise choices, timing is everything. So I was going to meet a military man from Netherlands in an Indian restaurant, an Indian woman ripened in USA. I decided a simple cotton sari should do it. Yanking the chain here, no it was going to be a simple Versace sequined black gown. Yanking again. It was a pair of unwashed pants that had been on marathon runs in the dryer supporting the fluff cause, coupled with an equally unwashed shirt, lots of perfume and some hair thickening serum to poof up my newly pruned head of no hair.

I walked into the restaurant, ignoring the staff, Indians are used to rudeness. There he was sitting, the only white man amongst a crowd of two customers. He recognized me immediately and a giant figure creeped up before me to greet me. I can’t remember if I hugged him or the trauma of meeting him has blocked that memory off….

In any case, moving onwards, it came to ordering time as soon as I sat down. No time to chit-chat, the man was hungry, plus I preferred to stare at the menu rather than his face! I could tell by his drooling enthusiasm in wanting to order the entire appetizer and entree section….my brain drifts, wasn’t it Alan Watts who said much eloquently “the menu is not the meal”… Lamb curry, 8 parathas, Hyderabadi Goat Biriyani, Salt Lassi, Samosas…I stuck with the little known chicken biriyani…as he wolfed down parathas after parathas leading both the waiter and me to gawk at each other periodically....(no, we are not splitting the bill, bro) and then, quick as lightening,  came the profound question, why do Indians prefer to kill the goat over the pig....hmm...quick think fast missy....he is not asking about the cow, but rather the GOAT!

As I chewed the bitter cud in my mouth over what seemed like a lifetime’s lag in my response system, while also concurrently punning in self-deprecation “cat goat your tongue..?”, the first thing that shot out of my mouth was..

‘It’s a small animal’
‘what do you mean’
‘well, it’s not as large as a cow, it’s small, the smaller the animal you kill, the lesser the karmic burden’ (cough bullshit)
‘what? But there are small pigs, dirty small piglets, they are smaller than goats..’

Part 2 – to gloat or not to goat

I knew that was NOT working for me….then like a flash of a brilliant comet rising from my brain, a fitting retort revealed itself that would shut him up (well, shut him up long enough to not pursue any further questions on that topic, but rather be more involved in his obvious gluttony fetish)

‘oh, you know Mother Kali??'
'who?'
'tsk, Kali, the Gothic Goddess of Death and destruction, wearing a garland of heads..
'yes yes..' gulp
'Well, to please her, goats are sacrificed in India and since every life is holy, we consume every part of that sacrificed goat..goat it?'
'and the pig??'
'Well we love the pig and, we love the cow…just eat your lamb'
So there, now that Kali was having a giggling fit in this test of my knowledge of my own culture that wasn’t going to redeem me from what was to follow next..

Lets toggle a little here, I skipped a very important detail, the one that has to do with “his looks”. Well, call me intellectually vain, his bald head was shinier than a chrome moon, his face was dryer and scruffier than my unshaven bristled legs, his beady eyes were pervy green reminding me of fungi draped lagoons harvesting mosquito eggs, his neck was so short that it could make Susan Boyle look like a giraffe in front of him, his teeth …well..more later on that..and his BODY, you ask? I have no idea, he wore a long camouflaged muddy trenchcoat that draped him in a shroud-like-bubble…I wanted to look at his gut so bad, but the coat doubled up like a quarantined shield between him and me…so let me just stare at his ugly shoes or his bald head instead, both those extremities prodding my soul to ask the deeper question in life…’what the eff am I doing here??’ or “how bored am I?”

The ordeal of the dining ended eventually. Never have I seen time tick with so much reluctance. Then came then another loaded question…
‘So what is around here?’ Was he asking about more restaurants?
‘There is nothing around here…Little India hides in inconspicuous industrial neighborhoods you see…but there is a micro brewery (my desire to drown my sorrows just a micro-tad…my beer infused blurry eyes might make the sight in front of me more palatable, I don’t want to micro manage by macro desire to seek refuge in some impending dehydration cum hangover).
‘Nah, I drank too much last night…I alternated with a bourbon and an IPA’
‘What was first…bourbon or IPA…(why did I ask that? What is wrong with me? How bored am I?)
‘I can’t remember…I drank too much…am hungover’ – Oh, I shouldn’t take it personally, we all know what IPA stands for 'Indian Patience Act'..
‘Well do you think that all the food you just ate might help a bit now?’
‘I ate too much too’ (hell ya, you think?)…..lets go for a walk’
So somehow he talked me into following him in my car, to a well known State Park. I wonder if there was something in my biriyani that had tinkered with my brain to make any wise decisions! But yes, nature…cathartic!

After 22 minutes, we arrived onto a dirt road over a cliff, confronted with stunning views of the Pacific blue waters. I forgot about the sore company I had with me draped in a hazmat suit, I was immersed in the beauty of the cliffs, the ocean, the surfers, the gliders…but the man wanted to go down (the cliff). I thought to myself…well then, jump. I will look the other way but I guess he really wanted to hike down. I had no idea what I was signing up for…my heeled boots and a rough trek downhill. I swore like a drunken Irishman, tripping, rolling, bumping, sliding, skidding, I reached the bottom of a black pit also known as Blacks Beach black and blue – San Diego’s famous nude beach where you will find countless repressed Indians and Chaldeans on their first landing on US soil, frequenting eagerly, desiring to spot a nude beach blonde Barbie or perhaps a nude nubile mermaid, but alas, the visual that greeted me was ugly fat decaying men dangling shriveled body parts that could cause serious projectile vomiting of all chicken biriyani previously consumed…

I put my bruised foot down, refusing to go any further. I could have just walked into the ocean as seen on many Bollywood films as a symbol of just giving up on life but I felt an uncanny urge to rather of ‘live to tell’ …

Part 3 - end it already...

So I dragged the dead goat too long already..lets cut through the hike...I was beat and my spirit broken. I was so disappointed in my ability to cut my losses and his, I decided to just collapse over a rock. He didn't approve of my positioning. I asked..why? He said I was too close to the Chinese! Close to the Chinese...hello, we share the Himalayas with them! But apparently they were on a mission to create sand penises and I was intruding...whatever, I scooted. Then, pay attention, came the icing on the crown, the silver lining in the cookie, the fondant in the milk shake, his elusive little round container of something ominous. At first he did it so fast, I only caught a glimpse of it entering his mouth..perhaps a sand fly he was warding off...making me want to concentrate harder on the precise movements of his deft hands...

Ten minutes later, followed, a slightly slower deliberation...I stopped it midway like a Ninja on high alert...
'What are you doing?'
'Oh its tobacco .I chew tobacco'..spit spit ...where is your portable Made in India Asura spittoon? 

Like they said “If you expect to rate as a gentleman

Do not expectorate on the floor”

No answer. I could see the corners of his mouth leaking. 

'Er..whokay..are you addicted??'
'No, it’s good for you..it keeps you alert, it’s a neuro stimulant..it is the smoke in cigarettes that messes you up, no smoke here.."
'Er..so are you addicted?'
Spit spit..'so you divorced? My ex-wife tried to take 50% of my housing allowance, dumb fk, I told her, get a job ...she has 500k in a fund, prenuptial.. Now she wants my money .fk..I told her get lost..and she calls me abusive, now I am an assh*le I agree..not an abuser...'..spit spit ..deposit..earth calling 911.

I didn't know how to react...I found myself facing the human condition, the other side of the Ganges, the grotesque ugliness of human ego and perception floating as a carcass.

I said nothing..I watched him spit and speak..intermittently ...revealing his black and brown teeth as he proceeded to tell me his 37 year old estranged wife was dying out of bone cancer, I sunk deeper inside myself.

Eventually we ended up completely lost (or disillusioned) in the canyons since I refused to follow the simple Newtonian protocol of what goes down, goes up, we drifted through ritzy mansions where people's garages were a few times larger than my dwelling unit..beautiful architecture with no lights twinkling inside, no movement to signify life, but silence as the only indicator of a quiet mayhem. These encounters of the fifth kind that make you realize how Dostoyevesky conjured up his characters creating the most enticing of mind chatters, that dictates how we live life, how we die manifold deaths in a moment, or perhaps how we stagnate like algae ridded lagoons and how we hide our dogma behind trenchcoats shifting blame, deflecting, building walls greater than the Chinese could. 2 hours plus into the drifting, we finally found the main artery leading to our cars than our hearts. I hugged him this time, deliberately. We never spoke again.