FINDING FASTLY - an embellished true story

Jess wanted to convert me into a snail slayer..she hailed down all the waiters at the Spanish tapas bar asking them to describe what a snail tastes like and why it shouldn’t be missed ..one guy started telling me …’well in France…’ and I was like oh the French …bring it on…I have tried grasshoppers before - this will be the universe in balance in my mouth!

So 8 snails arrive in some white goopy sauce …gosh it was crazy …I downed one rather quickly but then I got attached to the second one and wanted to savor it…So while “Fastly” was slowly sliding down my throat Jess made me laugh and I laughed so hard it ended up resulting in a projectile emission of Fastly right into Jess’s crotch. Well of course since I had only two snails rationed to me out of the 8 and one had escaped whilst sliding down my not so deep throat ..I wanted it back!! I demanded with vehemence “Jess I want my snail back!” stooping over for snail searching …

So all this while I was laughing and stopping to stake my claim with dead schizophrenic seriousness… thinking where is Fastly? Is he okay? Is he totally lost? Is he crawling in the goop of her wet crotch and wondering why it tastes less garlicky? Or is he missing the warmth of my mouth and sangria sweetness??? You know like the male preying mantis that submits itself to being eaten alive after sex ..but maybe Fastly was a picaro moving deftly between mouth of one to the heavenly tunnel of soma of another ...that slimy bastard!

Noticing the raucous the four waiters rush in asking ‘ladies have you lost something ..need any help?’

Well of course you idiots, didn’t you see Fastly blast off from my mouth as one of Elon’s Falcon 9s into her nether regions …why is this bar so dark? We need more light …Fastly babe where art thou?!!

(I was ending the story here in a clithanger/cliffhanger but then another loon in our gf tribe inspires the following end, as a necessary concomitant):

“Oh stress not ladies…we will help scouring around her crotch to find Fastly” the concerned hot waiters chime in united altruistic cohesion.

A synchronized groping continues as a single gestalt of human repressions, the bar patrons watch quizzically - no one is complaining -Jess is heard grunting time to time as I drown my sorrows in more sangria and move on to eating clams and muscles …they have no legs…

“Any luck boys? Maybe Fastly jumped back onto my lap..you might want to check here too…”

Dratz this FOMO …

(Post script: rumor has it Fastly was last heard taunting and mocking his other 5 brethren while soaking in the hot springs of Jess’s nectar - you bloody slow pokes - as usual coming down the wrong way … losers”)

Photo Credit: Random snail web error 420