Midlife Hacker - 7 Hacks to post break-up recovery

2020 - 2021 birthed many types of Gurus, from social media influencers to relationship gurus to at home OnlyFans pornstars. Broken marriages, broken hearts - for most pandemic hostages watching countless relationship videos flooding social media became much needed coping codependency.

So when do you know it’s time to end it and invest in a man who invests in you? 

It’s not you; it’s him and his Ex! 

Dump the Chump, he won’t Change etcetera 

Thank god we now have these 7 mid-life hacks to healing post breakup: 

1. Stagnating on couch: This is a widely practiced art with or without breakups. The couch serves as a step up from fetalizing yourself in bed all day. It is usually paired with brain damaging snacks and alcohol. The one good thing about a breakup is that there is no curfew or acceptable beginning time of drinking. It’s acceptable that if you are broken up, you might start your breakfast with wine, no judgement. They understand. 

2. Watching videos of people working out: This is a fairly productive act. Spending time watching people die doing burpies and mountain climbers while smiling forcefully and yelling “burn so good” is such a positive reminder of masochism. The release of endorphins for the observer is equally satisfying and it takes away the burden of active aggression. 

3. Consuming scary food additives: High Fructose corn syrup commonly substituted for sugar makes you feel good by upping your serotonin. What’s wrong with that? Support all endocrine stripping food additives in ice-cream, cake, bonbons, twinkies, Gobstoppers, Donuts and for the sake of contrasting flavor, Chips and fries! Potato is your friend, even as a noun. When you are not getting laid, get LAYS. 

4. Saying NO to self-care and self-grooming: Remember the good old days of shaving in a jiffy, waxing your privates with cusses, dry brushing your in-growns and coughing up moolah to have someone rip off your pubes…all for some mediocre love making …well no more! Rebellion is freedom and freedom rebellion. Stop bathing, washing, combing, shaving, covering your grays and putting on makeup of any sort. This is the real raw you – embrace your animal. 

5. Hiring a slow therapist: During such hard times, it is imperative to have a right professional outlet for your long existing mental illness. Seek out a therapist who does not have strong linguistic skills, is old, perhaps even stutters as he tries to say something gibberish over a slower zoom session. Get him excited and awakened with words that sound sexual such as pussyfooting, cock and bull, vagile, mastication, manhole, titillating …this should make the session so much more rewarding than you watching him “dongle” over your pathetic, sniffling rants. 

6. Joining weird Meetups or creating your own: Have you noticed over the years that there is a Meetup support group for EVERYTHING? From Find your own Alien, Adopt a criminal, Wine and yoga with AAA, the Science of Lotto self-actualization, Positive Parenting for non-believers, Filters and Fillers for Barbies and Barbers, Stare at the ceiling Meditation, Menopause for men over 40, PMS men – myth buster, Love me Tinder- Love me true, Snoozers - Losers - Boozers ET AL. Come up with your own unique coping support tribe…you are not alone. 

7. And finally, fornicating compulsively to empower your inner diva: Since you are already fucked over, take your power back and fuck yourself. It’s especially fulfilling when you are screaming in ecstasy calling your own name out loud or in Zoom if you have been cursed by Jeffrey Toobin. Payback! Yes, yes, yes.