When
Van Gogh decided to self-mutilate by chopping off his entire left ear, it
wasn’t coming from a place of self-preservation from incessant nagging by his
lover. He was coming from a place of relating to his lover’s scars and giving
her a gift of sacrifice to establish that human connection…also known as
madness.
Personally
I deem madness as, as understated as Apple Cider Vinegar. But the topic of this
post is not about the versatility of ACV but rather the versatility of madness
that which we all exude time to time, a gift of sorts, no one is immune,
madness does not discriminate. Tell me you are sane and you join Loonville as
our president! No, not Trump. He is just the Nero-God we loons pray when we
subconsciously run out of Gods, okay, I
don’t want to go there…lend me your ears on this story…(chopped is fine too)…
Captains Log Stardate November 8, 2018, a budding romantic love: Antonio was leaving early to hike with his
friends. He left her two slices of bread to toast when she woke up, for
breakfast. Arya was feeling good, Saturday, beautiful, breathtaking ocean
views, a cup of Darjeeling tea, and those toasts eventually to get lathered in
some generous Costco jelly that Arya was toasting in that swanky machine at
Antonio’s place. Somehow within the soaking of the views and the sipping of the
perfect cuppa tea, Arya had missed monitoring the bread and the end product
that greeted her was alas, black carcasses of what once could be called gluten.
She
panicked. Arya didn’t want to rummage through his refrigerator looking for
replacements. She was starving. The Indian in her took over, the meditative act
of scraping the carbon and salvaging the remnants was all that mattered as Arya
deftly armed herself with a butter knife and consecrated the process, only to
realize that that very act of innocent scraping was going to result in her
being viewed as the Bride in Kill Bill …causing mayhem in a white man’s perfect
white kitchen. And then, there was blood …also known as black crumbs all over
the sink, the window sill, the countertop, the floors! And Arya, the Bride,
perceived as cold blooded, without any compelling urgency to clean up, or to plan
her kills meticulously like Dexter, but to enjoy in peace, organic chemistry,
what she had successfully salvaged…as the minority…slightly browned yet not
blackened.
When Ant(onio) walked into the kitchen Arya was cluelessly bantering with her
family, and then she saw him as his eyes scanned the kitchen like an insidious
drone. His lips tightened, eyeballs bulging from their resident sockets as if
they were experiencing serious trama..genocide…doomsday…castration?? Arya
quickly hung up.
“Sorry
babe, I burnt the toast..”
“I
can smell it.”
He
teleported himself to the kitchen cleaning rapidly…
“I
was gonna clean it but I was still eating breakfast..”
“Why
didn’t you just toast new bread..what did you do!”
“I
didn’t want to rummage through the refrigerator and thought I could save
something off the bread and so I scraped…”
“The
crumbs are all over the sink, the windows..you destroyed my house!”
“Sorry…I
was just going to clean…”
“where
all did you go?”…as he started mapping her movements, her imaginative brain
raced as she saw a crowd gather over the yellow tape quarantining the kitchen. Arya
envisioned him as Sherlock Holmes with large magnifying glasses tracking
coordinates of burnt bread crumbs. On the bright side they were easier to spot!
“well…I
sat here and then I touched that…I went over there and then back here…”
But
wait a second. What in the holy matrimony of holy cows had just happened?? All she
did was scrape burnt toast …then why did she feel like being interrogated by
Gestapo??
She
started crying. She didn’t know how else to react.
Ant
eventually cleaned up the entire kitchen and living room to his satisfaction
while Arya watched like a scared inmate. Then came the revelation…
“Arya,
I am ocd. I can’t stand crumbs, they attract ants, I hate ants.”
“Well,
what does that mean? I don’t want to feel like I did something criminal…?”
“look
many people who have ocd don’t even acknowledge that as an issue…infact they
see it as a positive. They are clean, organized, meticulous, disciplined, and
successful. But I have tried mindfulness and other things and I still hate
crumbs and ants.”
“Okay
but this so hard…I feel like shit…all I did was burn toast…but the reaction,
you turned into a different person, your face, your eyes... changed.”
“you
were disrespecting and destroying my home…why didn’t you just trash that and
take a new one?”
“But only I wasn’t…I was just trying to salvage…”
Of course Arya had had not much experience with OCDs - Organized Cautious Dude?
Overtly Clever Dialectologist? Obsessive Coital Desires? Oddly Cloned Dick? She
could go on in her quirky, crazy, creative brain coming up with suitable expansions of
that acronym. Perhaps she was OCD too! Would repeated thoughts in the brain
qualify, for she did have those when she was attached to someone? Or a song that
would keep playing in loops in her head or the nag of her mother reminding her
to eat more and put on some meat in her bones… for this was all new to her. But
then humor kicked in as a coping deviation as she conjured up the possibility that
there was great business and marketing potential here, SCREW BREAD, imagine all the relationships one could
salvage instead with a few inventions, she thought:
1 Wormhole: A time bending smart
app. According to particle physicist James Beacham, one proposed method of time travel was via wormholes. “We
know that space can be bent. If space can be bent by, say, gravity,
then spacetime can be bent,” Space is the
three-dimensional body in which all things in the universe move. Spacetime,
however, is the combined concepts of space and time into a four-dimensional
continuum. If spacetime can be bent, Beacham says, it’s theoretically possible
that time can be bent. Okay, so now, given that premise, imagine, Arya sees the precise
moment of Ant’s face changing as his brain sees the bloodbath, she hangs up,
clicks the app, pauses him like they show in the sci-fi movies Arya was
addicted to, Arya DOESNT eat toast that day, she eats a banana, sorry, she eats
two bananas. Then Arya restarts the app. Life is good. Thank you wormholes.
2 Pelican Beak Bibs (not Pelican Briefs) – laid out right with
your table arrangements, an adult catch it all bib, for those unsuspecting
lovers and guests. “No offence, please leave shoes outside door, please put
this bib on prior to eating.” Kapisce?
3 Glow in the dark bread – this is
self-explanatory, especially when one is burning toast during midnight snacks, easy to track.
4 Glow in the dark bread crumb
magnet – self-explanatory again. With a bit of research we can figure out the
exact frequency and electricity to attract glowing crumbs. Should mitigate
night conflicts, those were the tough ones. Arya hated going to bed mad.
5 Toaster Ovens that auto destruct
burnt bread – the next gen of toaster ovens. They will save love lives. These
toaster ovens also vaporize crumbs to a poof. An inbuilt crematorium. Ventless. No cleaning needed. Side effect –
could make kitchen towels a bit less needed.
6 Tornado vacuum – this is an
inconspicuous vacuum that micro targets your entire home through your home
circulation system. It creates a mini tornado, soundless, tasteless, odorless
that whizzes and dances around your target area picking up with it a dust storm
of crumbs and missed cheerios, including under the bed, sofa, refrigerator,
corners of ovens, and then rises towards the ceiling and dissipates through the
vents. The vacuum itself sits in some offsite server like area, say your garage. No traces are left behind. No dna altered. On second thought, about
soundless, replace that thought with some ethereal Enya music, hmm!
Anyways,
long story short (as Ant always said), they let that pass. It was something Arya
had to let go to move forward. While in her mind, Arya had watched the entire
Kurukshetra unfold before her eventually leading to Arjuna asking the profound
questions to Krishna as to the futility of it all..and bizarrely enough, Enrique
Eglasias butting in saying “she’s gonna make you move to Miami …she got that
ass”..
