FINDING FASTLY - an embellished true story
Labels: clever, cliffhanger, food, funny, humor, innuendos, raunchy, snails, story
Hilarious narratives, pauses, allegories and post-modern in-sensibilities, bindi encapsulated, sometimes red, sometimes black, sometimes in-between, raising brows, we ask the right questions. Do you have the wrong answers?
FINDING FASTLY - an embellished true story
Labels: clever, cliffhanger, food, funny, humor, innuendos, raunchy, snails, story
2020 - 2021 birthed many types of Gurus, from social media influencers to relationship gurus to at home OnlyFans pornstars. Broken marriages, broken hearts - for most pandemic hostages watching countless relationship videos flooding social media became much needed coping codependency.
So when do you know it’s time to end it and invest in a man who invests in you?
It’s not you; it’s him and his Ex!
Dump the Chump, he won’t Change etcetera
Thank god we now have these 7 mid-life hacks to healing post breakup:
1. Stagnating on couch: This is a widely practiced art with or without breakups. The couch serves as a step up from fetalizing yourself in bed all day. It is usually paired with brain damaging snacks and alcohol. The one good thing about a breakup is that there is no curfew or acceptable beginning time of drinking. It’s acceptable that if you are broken up, you might start your breakfast with wine, no judgement. They understand.
2. Watching videos of people working out: This is a fairly productive act. Spending time watching people die doing burpies and mountain climbers while smiling forcefully and yelling “burn so good” is such a positive reminder of masochism. The release of endorphins for the observer is equally satisfying and it takes away the burden of active aggression.
3. Consuming scary food additives: High Fructose corn syrup commonly substituted for sugar makes you feel good by upping your serotonin. What’s wrong with that? Support all endocrine stripping food additives in ice-cream, cake, bonbons, twinkies, Gobstoppers, Donuts and for the sake of contrasting flavor, Chips and fries! Potato is your friend, even as a noun. When you are not getting laid, get LAYS.
4. Saying NO to self-care and self-grooming: Remember the good old days of shaving in a jiffy, waxing your privates with cusses, dry brushing your in-growns and coughing up moolah to have someone rip off your pubes…all for some mediocre love making …well no more! Rebellion is freedom and freedom rebellion. Stop bathing, washing, combing, shaving, covering your grays and putting on makeup of any sort. This is the real raw you – embrace your animal.
5. Hiring a slow therapist: During such hard times, it is imperative to have a right professional outlet for your long existing mental illness. Seek out a therapist who does not have strong linguistic skills, is old, perhaps even stutters as he tries to say something gibberish over a slower zoom session. Get him excited and awakened with words that sound sexual such as pussyfooting, cock and bull, vagile, mastication, manhole, titillating …this should make the session so much more rewarding than you watching him “dongle” over your pathetic, sniffling rants.
6. Joining weird Meetups or creating your own: Have you noticed over the years that there is a Meetup support group for EVERYTHING? From Find your own Alien, Adopt a criminal, Wine and yoga with AAA, the Science of Lotto self-actualization, Positive Parenting for non-believers, Filters and Fillers for Barbies and Barbers, Stare at the ceiling Meditation, Menopause for men over 40, PMS men – myth buster, Love me Tinder- Love me true, Snoozers - Losers - Boozers ET AL. Come up with your own unique coping support tribe…you are not alone.
7. And finally, fornicating compulsively to empower your inner diva: Since you are already fucked over, take your power back and fuck yourself. It’s especially fulfilling when you are screaming in ecstasy calling your own name out loud or in Zoom if you have been cursed by Jeffrey Toobin. Payback! Yes, yes, yes.
Labels: dating, heartbreak, love, men, mid life, partner, relationships, romance, single, woman
There are those random afternoons when you are suddenly hit with deep insightful thoughts and seemingly wise realizations out of nowhere, instead of those usual “is my butt too flat or is it falling” or “did I lose more hair than the tufts reluctantly left in the sink not counting the few I willfully lost while toiling in the kitchen” or that “am I simply bloated or am I just fat” monkey mind self doubting chatter. No, these slivers of sudden wisdom just appear out of nowhere leaving you to ruminate deeply and before you know it you have put all your LV and Chanel purses and shoes along with your children on sale on Offerup, you are offering random cash to the pan handler holding a sign "Begging for Beer", googling communal properties in Himalayas and wiki-piding “Zen Buddhism for Pre-menopausal Mid Life Crisis” and Prime buying “Say NO TO SILICONE” and “LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DIE ALONE, CALL ME” stickers.
Labels: aging, beauty, blog, commitment, humor, love, mid-life, poetry, relationships, single, social media dating, void
Labels: american, dating, east, ego, feminist, humor, indian, love, lust, men, pretense, relationships, west
When Van Gogh decided to self-mutilate by chopping off his entire left ear, it wasn’t coming from a place of self-preservation from incessant nagging by his lover. He was coming from a place of relating to his lover’s scars and giving her a gift of sacrifice to establish that human connection…also known as madness.
Labels: apps, crumbs, dating, humor, indian, inventions, love, surrealist, van gogh
Lately I haven’t talked much. It’s not that I am turning over a new leaf and have conveniently run out of material to post. For a social bee like moi, that’s unheard of. So this post is dedicated to all lovers, all ocd people and divorcees who don’t share their stories..
Labels: abstracts, divorce, love, pms, quandary, relationships, single
As part of the New Years’ resolution I did not take, I figured it was about time to writeup a Bindi Post. If extreme boredom is not the instigating factor, if grueling loneliness is not the catapulting factor, if the rapidly reducing single malt bottle is not the compelling factor, well, then it must be NDE (near death experiences)..
Labels: aging, authentic, beauty, creams, humor, plastic surgery, poetry, social conditioning, women