INSIDE OUT

Lately I haven’t talked much. It’s not that I am turning over a new leaf and have conveniently run out of material to post. For a social bee like moi, that’s unheard of. So this post is dedicated to all lovers, all ocd people and divorcees who don’t share their stories..

The D word. It plagues, for the institution of marriage has such heavy and deep roots. It defines family. It sets purpose and an end game, for a collective to thrive in harmony, to further similar mindsets and to propagate.

Somewhere down the line I ended up alone. Not because the marriage bug hadn’t bit me but because it did and then it morphed because it was a virus..haha…not a bacteria.

But this post is not about me. (Refer to other posts about me in my previous posts). This post raises more questions than answers because the answers lie embedded in the questions itself..

Love: The most compelling question that pops up is “how do we know that we found love or we are in love”

My beautiful yoga teacher Viktoria opines…we are not “in love” we “are love”…which to me means, that love is not something external exemplified but internal manifested and encompassing. I pondered over that much today as I replayed certain scenarios and events in my head. How can I “be in love” without love being outside of me? If love is outside of me, then there are bound to be gaps. But if I AM love, there is unison, there is no separation, I am love manifest and I do as love does. Where is the room for “being in” but rather to “be’.? And the only way I see possible is that …I lose my engineer friends. I friend more poets and anarchists and idealists.! Sales people – out, Doctors – out, Scientists – out, Lawyers– out…Dentists – in, Chiropractors - in, Yogis - in, Trader Joes baggers - in! 

Relationships: The in-between, the I-Thou, the golden string that unites us all, then why so much conflict? My friend Hune refers to it as dialogue (not a monologue, or an egotistical rant..I have mastered those especially in PMS).

On that note, my close friend Annica had a revelation today, she decided to call her ex husband and apologize. It was her gateway to healing, not because we simply suffer from ethical moral dilemmas on failure, but because we are individualistic within a collective and lose sight of the abstract that binds us as a dilution, a blur, and yet complete. She realized she gave up too early and that she missed the abstract, atleast that is my take on it. There are no absolutes, but there are plenty of abstracts to choose from (except I cannot explain the Trump dictatorship, because we elected him and that makes him the anomaly within the abstract-absolute model...sigh).

As time passes, I get more and more close to the anti-thesis of defaults. I realize that more and more you let go, the more you feel empowered, the more you invest inwards, the more you reap from the unknown outward and the more you embrace that you are broken, cracked, imperfect, the more the blurs, the abstract, the shades, and of all that surrounds you, makes you whole.

We maybe broken. We may be ocd or pms within a microcosm. But we are whole, in relationship with each other, it's bigger, it envelopes and cradles, like a translucent membrane binding us together. In love. 

"If you ask people what attracted them to the person they love, they never tell you of some perfect feature that focused them on sheer surfaces but rather an imperfection that allowed them to see into their uncharted depths" Eugene Kennedy