Midlife Hacker - 7 Hacks to post break-up recovery

2020 - 2021 birthed many types of Gurus, from social media influencers to relationship gurus to at home OnlyFans pornstars. Broken marriages, broken hearts - for most pandemic hostages watching countless relationship videos flooding social media became much needed coping codependency.

So when do you know it’s time to end it and invest in a man who invests in you? 

It’s not you; it’s him and his Ex! 

Dump the Chump, he won’t Change etcetera 

Thank god we now have these 7 mid-life hacks to healing post breakup: 

1. Stagnating on couch: This is a widely practiced art with or without breakups. The couch serves as a step up from fetalizing yourself in bed all day. It is usually paired with brain damaging snacks and alcohol. The one good thing about a breakup is that there is no curfew or acceptable beginning time of drinking. It’s acceptable that if you are broken up, you might start your breakfast with wine, no judgement. They understand. 

2. Watching videos of people working out: This is a fairly productive act. Spending time watching people die doing burpies and mountain climbers while smiling forcefully and yelling “burn so good” is such a positive reminder of masochism. The release of endorphins for the observer is equally satisfying and it takes away the burden of active aggression. 

3. Consuming scary food additives: High Fructose corn syrup commonly substituted for sugar makes you feel good by upping your serotonin. What’s wrong with that? Support all endocrine stripping food additives in ice-cream, cake, bonbons, twinkies, Gobstoppers, Donuts and for the sake of contrasting flavor, Chips and fries! Potato is your friend, even as a noun. When you are not getting laid, get LAYS. 

4. Saying NO to self-care and self-grooming: Remember the good old days of shaving in a jiffy, waxing your privates with cusses, dry brushing your in-growns and coughing up moolah to have someone rip off your pubes…all for some mediocre love making …well no more! Rebellion is freedom and freedom rebellion. Stop bathing, washing, combing, shaving, covering your grays and putting on makeup of any sort. This is the real raw you – embrace your animal. 

5. Hiring a slow therapist: During such hard times, it is imperative to have a right professional outlet for your long existing mental illness. Seek out a therapist who does not have strong linguistic skills, is old, perhaps even stutters as he tries to say something gibberish over a slower zoom session. Get him excited and awakened with words that sound sexual such as pussyfooting, cock and bull, vagile, mastication, manhole, titillating …this should make the session so much more rewarding than you watching him “dongle” over your pathetic, sniffling rants. 

6. Joining weird Meetups or creating your own: Have you noticed over the years that there is a Meetup support group for EVERYTHING? From Find your own Alien, Adopt a criminal, Wine and yoga with AAA, the Science of Lotto self-actualization, Positive Parenting for non-believers, Filters and Fillers for Barbies and Barbers, Stare at the ceiling Meditation, Menopause for men over 40, PMS men – myth buster, Love me Tinder- Love me true, Snoozers - Losers - Boozers ET AL. Come up with your own unique coping support tribe…you are not alone. 

7. And finally, binge watching real-life dating horror documentaries on Prime and Netflix such as "The Tinder Swindler", "Sweet Bobby: My Catfish Nightmare" and finishing off with the notorious Charles Shobraj in "The Serpent"....voila!

bypassing blondes and fake boobs..

We have all been there…heartbreaks and heartthrobs. The recurring feeling we attach to, of that first kiss, the first intimate sharing of bodies. But the west is different from the east when it comes to sharing of bodies. The west went free, with pretenses; the east, went repressed, no pretenses. The Kamasutra was merely a guide to point at what lovers shouldn't be practising!

I am an easterner meeting the westerner only to find myself in an internal tug of war as to what constitutes love. Is it simply lust? Interchangeable? Lust in love? Love in lust? Which precedes what and what sustains? Lust dissipates as most academics confirm. Love transcends. But what is the middle path between the vagina and the heart? And how do we abandon the mind in all this?

Recently I learnt that my ex lover has moved on rather quickly to finding his next kill, he being the hunter, never the hunted. Well, return my bloody fancy BBQ grill first, then talk the talk, before your next piece of meat gets skewered! The dating Statute of Limitation still ticks if it's less than a month since you broke up and your ex lover is still holding on (shamelessly being as frugally rich he is) to your property as he marinates his next tandoori white chicken!

But it’s the truth, men are poor, fragile beings, they move rapidly to find their next relationship, their next validation for their manhood. Of course you have to give them the handicap of being closed, emotionally bankrupt and hardened, only because society raised them as unfeeling and un-vulnerable brawns…toughen up boy!! Hunt, gather, kill, oppress, rape, conquer BUT never shed a tear…weakness …weakness, you pussy!

And talking about pussy, that existential pussy(cat) is THE toughest human body part and muscle power within mankind. You meet a man who touts he is a feminist and then you hear him refer to weaknesses as a pussy, BAH! Drop his derogatory ass right then!

You see a man type ‘your’ instead of ‘you are’ in text..drop him! It's not funny, even if he says he knows the difference..sir, how lazy are you to not correct despite knowing? There is no excuse for blatant bad grammar indolence. 

You hear a man blame your PMS as your personal insecurity as you catch his roving eyes checking out every chic and teen body that rolls by, DROP HIM! He is not worth the discussion. No honey, it wasn't the lamppost you were ogling at...yes, your head did make a complete 180 as you saw her face drive off, and yes, you did stop mid-sentence while talking to me when you saw her posterior end in a bikini...that's simply keen observation by both of us, not PMS. Definitely DROP HIM, because it reeks of a redder red flag when you are in a new relationship and yet the man is caught looking outward than being immersed in the fabulous you. 

No wait, there is another redder of the reddiest red flags, you find a man who insists on you using his disgusting, grimy, moldy guest bathroom where he washes his shiny hairless head for boxed hair color bleeds to give the illusion of youth and of the bed of thick grass that once upon a time adorned his scalp, while he uses his squeaky clean, lavish post-modern, wannabe Dadaistic master bathroom converted into a bedroom with a queen bed fitted into it congruently, then unequivocally, indubitably and unquestionably DROP HIM! You don't want to be sleeping in a weird bathroom which you are prohibited into using while you hear him trickle three times at night! That's the bizarrest of gender discrimination ever..

Sometimes we girls, are stupid and idealists. We try to reason and communicate. We try to find value within variables and objectivity and try to salvage. Hell no. Wisen up. Listen to your gut. Sometimes, communication also means that he will tear you down to every molecule of text and sentence that he can barely hold within the realms of proper english grammar, just to prove his macho-ism...

Run. 

Lola. 

Run. 

Lila. Run!

Especially if they are borgs with titanium body parts, hunting for comfort zone blondes with equitable fake booby parts to match their fake hearts, but suddenly they stumble upon extraordinary brilliant brunettes with wit, versatility and passion…run...I ran - 5 months too late.

“Masculinity is what you believe it to be. I think masculinity and femininity is something that's very old-fashioned. There's a whole new generation of people who aren't defined by their sex or race or who they like to sleep with. “Johnny Weir – American Olympian figure skater, fashion designer, commentator.